The Other Woman

The email read: ‘we need to pray for the other woman. I don’t want to do this but feel God shoving me in this direction. It doesn’t feel good.’

How does a family survive when a spouse has been unfaithful?

The spouse left behind is devastated and if there are children involved then there’s more devastation. 

Even if a person gets divorced, the new relationship is still based on a lie, explains Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass.  Affairs may have more to do with your unmet childhood needs than with who this other person really is.

With so many different factors to consider, infidelity is mostly not due to a "bad marriage."  According to Senior Pastor, Andy Stanley’s video series: The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating; Andy points out that he has never had to counsel a couple experiencing marital problems; rather he counsels married couples experiencing unresolved individual problems that they brought into the relationship.

How do these families recover and heal?  If the family has Christian beliefs, then they depend upon God, trusting Him for their restoration.

But survivors often lament that recovery feels like a stand-still where you wait for restoration ‘to arrive,’ ...The death blow to your soul... An inability to feel (anything) …the worst numbness that a soul can experience. You look Heaven-ward praying for one flicker of a sense that your soul has survived the scourge of pathology.

Why isn’t God restoring me?  Why is there no mental stillness—just a rush of adrenaline, the exhaustion of a mind running like an engine?

Sometimes our concept of recovery is replacement. That our feelings of loss will be replaced with joy… ‘Replacement’ recovery concepts are like a McDonald’s drive through…You join a chat forum and try to replace loneliness with internet distraction.  It’s no wonder people are often confused about what recovery ‘is’ and when and how they will ‘get there.’ (Psychology Today, May 29, 2012 ‘The Spiritual Damage in the Aftermath’)

And the children? The emotional ties between parent and child are essential to developing their values. During times like this, they are bound to be questioning their identity.  Who am I? Who is my family? Who can I trust?  Who are my enemies? What ties me to my family? And, most importantly, which ties do I reject and which do I keep?

The good news is – recovery is possible; but not by worldly standards. Take it from someone that looked to the world to solve her marriage problems. The world’s solutions are like an antihistamine; treating the symptoms, not the cause.

Recovery and restoration isn’t quick like going through a MacDonald’s drive-thru. If done properly, time and forgiveness* will be your best friend. Time to grieve and heal from the loss; forgiveness to those that hurt you; and to experience total freedom, we need to forgive ourselves.

Before you send hate mail, let me explain why I included forgiving yourself.  I know that your spouse is the snake and your spouse should be the one begging for your forgiveness. However, at some point, if not already, you will travel down the road of regrets and failure.  Because of what happened, you will feel like you’ve failed your children for not giving them a better parental role model; for not choosing a better spouse for yourself; for not seeing this situation before it happened…the list is endless.

To quote RT Kendall, Not to forgive ourselves totally means that the feeling of guilt will not go away.  Is there anything more painful than guilt?

Now, back to my friend’s email…Yes, I told my friend, of course I will pray for the other woman. Not because I am such a good person and not because I don’t share the same feelings of disgust with you over the situation, but I’ll be praying for her because I know that God instructs me to and I am trying not to grieve the Holy Spirit these days.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  (Luke 6:37)

 Let me leave you with one last thought.  Recently I was part of a discussion with other women relative to this very topic of abandonment and unfaithfulness.  Someone in the group explained that the new skin which develops around the scar from an operation becomes thick.  I could relate. I’ve had 5 operations and the doctor cut along the same incision each time. Before the 5^th incision, the surgeon said, ‘I’m going to clean up the thickness around those scars.’ 

Is this what happens to our scarred hearts? I think so. And God, our Jehovah Rapha (Healer) will clean up the thickness around our heart caused by the cuts of disappointments and hurts of life.

It is safe to take our situations of hurt and insecurities into God’s safe house. He will help you to learn total forgiveness.  Besides, who knows more about betrayal than Jesus? God is never turned off by what we present to Him. The Doctor is always in!

Let’s pray. Father, You are the Great Healer in our lives. When You perform surgery on our broken hearts we needn’t worry about scar tissue or infections setting in; You provide us with total healing. Continue to remind us just how much You love us; that You never forget Your children; that if we remain faithful to You, in return You will always be there for us.  In Your Son’s strong Name I pray. Amen.

Until next time~

Blessings, Nancy

* Recommended reading; Total Forgiveness and How to Forgive Ourselves Totally.  Both authored by R.T. Kendall