The Other Woman

The email read: ‘we need to pray for the other woman. I don’t want to do this but feel God shoving me in this direction. It doesn’t feel good.’

How does a family survive when a spouse has been unfaithful?

The spouse left behind is devastated and if there are children involved then there’s more devastation. 

Even if a person gets divorced, the new relationship is still based on a lie, explains Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass.  Affairs may have more to do with your unmet childhood needs than with who this other person really is.

With so many different factors to consider, infidelity is mostly not due to a "bad marriage."  According to Senior Pastor, Andy Stanley’s video series: The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating; Andy points out that he has never had to counsel a couple experiencing marital problems; rather he counsels married couples experiencing unresolved individual problems that they brought into the relationship.

How do these families recover and heal?  If the family has Christian beliefs, then they depend upon God, trusting Him for their restoration.

But survivors often lament that recovery feels like a stand-still where you wait for restoration ‘to arrive,’ ...The death blow to your soul... An inability to feel (anything) …the worst numbness that a soul can experience. You look Heaven-ward praying for one flicker of a sense that your soul has survived the scourge of pathology.

Why isn’t God restoring me?  Why is there no mental stillness—just a rush of adrenaline, the exhaustion of a mind running like an engine?

Sometimes our concept of recovery is replacement. That our feelings of loss will be replaced with joy… ‘Replacement’ recovery concepts are like a McDonald’s drive through…You join a chat forum and try to replace loneliness with internet distraction.  It’s no wonder people are often confused about what recovery ‘is’ and when and how they will ‘get there.’ (Psychology Today, May 29, 2012 ‘The Spiritual Damage in the Aftermath’)

And the children? The emotional ties between parent and child are essential to developing their values. During times like this, they are bound to be questioning their identity.  Who am I? Who is my family? Who can I trust?  Who are my enemies? What ties me to my family? And, most importantly, which ties do I reject and which do I keep?

The good news is – recovery is possible; but not by worldly standards. Take it from someone that looked to the world to solve her marriage problems. The world’s solutions are like an antihistamine; treating the symptoms, not the cause.

Recovery and restoration isn’t quick like going through a MacDonald’s drive-thru. If done properly, time and forgiveness* will be your best friend. Time to grieve and heal from the loss; forgiveness to those that hurt you; and to experience total freedom, we need to forgive ourselves.

Before you send hate mail, let me explain why I included forgiving yourself.  I know that your spouse is the snake and your spouse should be the one begging for your forgiveness. However, at some point, if not already, you will travel down the road of regrets and failure.  Because of what happened, you will feel like you’ve failed your children for not giving them a better parental role model; for not choosing a better spouse for yourself; for not seeing this situation before it happened…the list is endless.

To quote RT Kendall, Not to forgive ourselves totally means that the feeling of guilt will not go away.  Is there anything more painful than guilt?

Now, back to my friend’s email…Yes, I told my friend, of course I will pray for the other woman. Not because I am such a good person and not because I don’t share the same feelings of disgust with you over the situation, but I’ll be praying for her because I know that God instructs me to and I am trying not to grieve the Holy Spirit these days.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  (Luke 6:37)

 Let me leave you with one last thought.  Recently I was part of a discussion with other women relative to this very topic of abandonment and unfaithfulness.  Someone in the group explained that the new skin which develops around the scar from an operation becomes thick.  I could relate. I’ve had 5 operations and the doctor cut along the same incision each time. Before the 5^th incision, the surgeon said, ‘I’m going to clean up the thickness around those scars.’ 

Is this what happens to our scarred hearts? I think so. And God, our Jehovah Rapha (Healer) will clean up the thickness around our heart caused by the cuts of disappointments and hurts of life.

It is safe to take our situations of hurt and insecurities into God’s safe house. He will help you to learn total forgiveness.  Besides, who knows more about betrayal than Jesus? God is never turned off by what we present to Him. The Doctor is always in!

Let’s pray. Father, You are the Great Healer in our lives. When You perform surgery on our broken hearts we needn’t worry about scar tissue or infections setting in; You provide us with total healing. Continue to remind us just how much You love us; that You never forget Your children; that if we remain faithful to You, in return You will always be there for us.  In Your Son’s strong Name I pray. Amen.

Until next time~

Blessings, Nancy

* Recommended reading; Total Forgiveness and How to Forgive Ourselves Totally.  Both authored by R.T. Kendall

The Front Watchman

It was a gorgeous morning so I went for a run. Please don’t get the wrong picture of me. I’m a recreational runner, not a marathon runner. I just love to get outside and enjoy the sense of freedom and peace as I run.

This particular morning, I was making my way back home when I eyed a bike club approaching me. Ok, so I’m not talking about 2 or 3 bicyclists, we’re talking 30-40 men pedaling hard, helmets and sunglasses on, bodies hunched forward, coming right at me. I’m saying, if there was a car needing to use the roadway, it couldn’t, that’s the size of this club. And they’re intentional in their cause to get to their destination. You don’t want to mess around with these dudes.

I begin to veer to the left of the road’s shoulder, thinking if I don’t move they’ll hit me! Then all of a sudden out of the quietness of the morning (except for the whirling sound of all their approaching tires) I hear ‘Runner On!’ and then another voice yell, ‘Runner On!’ and this continued as they methodically and smoothly transitioned around and past me. It was the coolest thing.

What began for me as an anxious moment became a trusting experience.  As soon as I heard the lead biker yell out ‘Runner On’ my entire pace relaxed. I was no longer in fear of them hitting me and it was actually exhilarating to have experienced this.

So if a biker, who doesn’t know me, is watching out for my safety, how much more is my Heavenly Father watching out for me? I am so glad that the lead watchman in this bicycle club was doing his job of watching. I am so glad that his second and third in command responded as well.

Our Heavenly Father does the same thing. He is our Front Watchman. ‘The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.’  (2 Chronicles 16:9a) Nothing is hidden from God’s sight.

God knows about our loneliness and heartaches. He knows about our fears and anxious moments. If you’re struggling today, please look to our Father in Heaven for guidance.  If you trust in Him to help you through whatever you are facing this day; if you trust that He can be your Front Watchman, then you’ll look back and say the same thing I did once the bikers rode past me—‘it was the coolest thing.’

Let’s pray. Dear Heavenly Father of all creation, thank you for loving us and watching over us. Thank you that You are our Front Watchman who opens and closes gates; help us to listen like sheep who listen for their Shepherd’s voice, knowing that You have only good intentions towards us. We praise You today. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen

Until next time~
Blessings, Nancy

A Mother’s Journey to Love – Dedicated to my Sons

In 1981, when I was 26 years old, my first son was born. Like it was just yesterday, I will never forget the feelings of instant love and sense of protection that rushed over me when our eyes first met in the hospital. He lay in my arms so still, so content. He was easy to love.  His maternal grandmother, wanting to help her only daughter with a newborn, traveled to be with us.  She and I couldn’t get enough of this new baby.  He and I grew up together. I learned how not to be self-serving but instead to be more giving of myself. I used every opportunity to teach him about the world he now lived in. I enjoyed being his mother more than I enjoyed anything else. My good life changed for better.

After some health challenges, and in 1985 at the age of 30, my second son was born. I remember thinking, ‘will I feel the same sense of love and protection towards this new baby that I experienced during the birth of my now almost 5 year old.’  Amazingly, when my second son arrived it was as if there were no other people in the room. We locked eyes and just stared at one another. He wiggled in my arms as if to say, ‘let’s get this life started’ …like he intuitively knew my private thoughts and insecurities of how to love more than one child. If he could’ve spoken, I sensed he would’ve said something like – ‘everything is going to be fine; I’m easy to love.’ As my first son entered Kindergarten, I learned how to be the mother of 2 active boys.

My oldest son was serious about life; while my second son laughed at life.  The ‘do I have enough love’ worries, vanished. God had given me enough of everything I needed.  I continued to enjoy motherhood. The fullness of my new family life energized me and I quickly understood the importance of being a mother.    

Then later, and after a miscarriage, I became pregnant with twin boys. They were born 3 months premature in late 1988; just shy of my 34^th birthday. They remained in the NICU for 99 days. My mom and dad would care for our older boys while I spent my time at the hospital and my husband worked and tried to keep the family operating.

The first time I met my new babies was behind a glass incubator. Each in their own life unit, I wondered if they missed each other.  With tubes and ventilators connected everywhere, it would be weeks before we’d know their fate let alone a chance to hold them.  

The twins each weighed 2 lbs. and remained incubated.  Their brothers and I recorded ‘Good Morning to You’ on a tape for the nurses to play inside their glass living room isolates.

I considered myself a seasoned mother by this time but the enormity of the situation was daunting. No longer did I need an ‘eye to eye moment’ in order to love these new additions to our family. They were so helpless and the instincts of ‘mother bear characteristics’ was plentiful. My love and desire to protect them came effortlessly.

When twin A came home, his older brothers greeted him with chicken pox. Fifteen days later, twin B joined us at home.  The bonding that occurred so instantaneously with my older sons, seamlessly happened with each twin as I spent time with them in NICU. The fears of losing them were replaced by the security of knowing they would be okay. They were our little heroes.

 My 8 and 3 year old sons gave up ‘mommy time’ as I spent the bulk of my days and nights at the hospital. They showed everyone how brave they could be as they selflessly waited for their family to be intact and normal again.  They were my big heroes.

Fast forward and now I have been a mother for 31 years. I treasure every moment God gives me with these young men.  They’ve taught me how to be less about myself and more about others; how to love more, forgive quickly and to be content. “So give your parents joy! May she who gave you birth be happy.” (Proverbs 23:25 NLT)  Each in their own special way, brings a smile to my face.

Even when I didn’t know it, God heard my prayers. I didn’t know that I could have a personal relationship with Jesus until age 39 and then didn’t really put the power of the Holy Spirit to good use until just a short few years ago. My sons have not always had a mother that put God first in her life.

God blessed me, despite my faults. He blessed me with the awesome responsibility of motherhood. Today I pray that my heart for God impacts each of my adult sons.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day 2012. I write this to encourage mothers everywhere. Your children have a large capacity to love and forgive under many situations. You don’t have to be perfect. Just never give up your responsibility of being their mother.  Pray for your children.

Life can include a lot of bumps and unexpected turns. Sometimes my sons and I don’t agree. That’s okay. Sometimes I’ve failed them. God forgives our imperfections. I will always love them. I will always treasure time spent with them. I will always thank God for lending them to me.

Let’s pray. Heavenly Father, bless each mother reading this post. Bless them with Your love, wisdom and strength so they can in turn pass these things onto their children. Guide each mother as she leads and directs her children into adulthood.  May You be her source of Truth and Light when she doesn’t know which way to turn. May she hunger for Your love and may each of her children learn the same. In Jesus’ strong name I pray, Amen.

Until next time~

Blessings, Nancy

Loving the Unlovable

Would you raise your hand if there is someone in your life that you don’t like? Just what I thought…. We are 100% present and in agreement. It’s difficult to love the unlovable! It’s so much easier to love people when they are nice to you.

When I’m at work, one of my jobs is to answer the phones. There are two things that I recommend for your bucket list: 1. Become partners in a business, working side by side, with your spouse. 2. Answer the phones at a church.

I can now cross both of these accomplishments off my list. Neither of these is easy to do. You learn a lot about yourself, and I can tell you that my eyes are WIDE open – trust me; you’ll never be the same after experiencing either of these things!

So why am I writing about this today? Don’t tell anybody, but sometimes I’ve been the unlovable one. Yikes, thankfully, God is love and He is in the process of teaching me how to love well. (1 John 4:7-21) God brings it all into focus in verse 21 “Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

Really God? What about the salesman that calls the church and lies, yes, blatantly lies to me. Yesterday, no kidding, a man called; his voice excited; needing to talk to our custodian about a lighting emergency. You know the type—the voice is 5 levels higher than normal and if I don’t act immediately upon his request, well the whole building may fall down! I kid you not.  When I finally got him calmed down so I could understand what he wanted, it was all a fake to rattle me. He used the emergency tone of voice to pitch a sales call. Where is the love in that?

But God tells me that ‘to love others’ is a priority of His. Without it, all my interactions are for nothing.

I remember how much my young children hated chores. I mean, oh dear Lord, my husband and I sometimes wanted to just do their chores so we wouldn’t hear the whimpering and whining that went with it.

As parents, we try to teach our children the responsibilities of life early on, so they will be equipped to handle the larger chores of adult life. And at the same time, we are teaching them how to demonstrate a loving attitude while doing a chore that is not fun or cooperating with a sibling they don’t like at the moment.

But here’s the problem. Have you read a newspaper lately? Have you seen the nightly news or what we cannot get away from on the internet? If God’s Greatest Commandment, found in Matthew 22:36-40, tells us ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'   Then why don’t we? I suggest the reason we don’t is because we’ve begun to detach ourselves from the weariness of so much brokenness and moral decay that we tune it out.

Take a look at what the Bible tells us what people will be like in the last days. ‘People will be lovers of themselves….’   (2 Timothy 3) I researched the Greek Lexicon to get a more narrow meaning. The Greek word is ‘Philautos’ (fil'-ow-tos) or someone ‘too intent on one's interest, selfish.’ 

Sadly, we all know people like my ‘emergency caller.’ He was someone trying to make things easier for himself and not thinking about me. How do we respond to these people? Perhaps they are a family member, a child, a spouse?  I’m so glad that my emergency caller was not someone I knew. But even then, I am to respond in love.  Can’t I let myself off the hook with sandpaper, lying people? No, especially not with them…they especially need to see Jesus in us.

As God continues to use me in my job, He is also changing me and showing me how to love well. Are you up for the challenge?

Let’s pray. Dear Heavenly Father, change me. Make me a more patient and loving person. Help me with the unloving people that come into my life. Help me not to grumble or question their selfish motives. Make me to be a light in this dark world. I love you God, and I want to be obedient in loving others the way You love me especially when I am unloving. I praise You and give You all the glory. In Your Son Jesus’ strong Name, I pray. Amen.

Until next time~

Blessings, Nancy