Waiting should be an Olympic Sport

I don’t do waiting well at all. In this age of instant everything, I expect my God to be instant too.  There is an art to waiting. Even when I am driving; I want to be wherever I am going in an instant. So much so, that I have to use cruise control to control my speed. Yup. 

But did you ever consider that God can use you and your situation while you wait? Furthermore, have you ever considered that the reason your waiting period is longer than long is because there is Spiritual warfare going on that you and I cannot see with human eyes?

Now before you write me off as some Religious fanatic talking about the Spirit world, please hear me out~

Twenty-five years ago I use to say something to my kindergartner that seems so simple and yet can be difficult to do. On the mornings he needed to reframe and adjust his attitude before climbing the stairs to the bus, I would pose this question to him: ‘this can be a good day or a bad day, it’s your choice; which will it be?’

Did you ever think that Spiritual warfare is what you’re battling against when you’ve lied to someone and you know it? Maybe you’ve even tried to justify your behavior. You begin to act differently around that person because your conscience just won’t let you forget the wrong you’ve done to this person.

Or choosing to take the easy way out of a situation instead of doing the right and sometimes inconvenient? And now you are burdened with a whole variety of challenges because of the results and you find yourself constantly on edge, unsettled in your thinking; beating yourself up for not making a better choice to begin with?

You are not alone. Whether we are willing to admit it or not, we’ve all had these struggles. I am suggesting that when wrong thoughts enter into your mind – the debilitating type – Satan is at work trying to trip you up! If you believe, like I do, that God is your Creator, then act immediately upon those negative thoughts by claiming one of God’s many promises and knead it into your heart and mind.

A good one to begin with is Proverbs 3:5-6 ‘Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.’   

Does that promise sound like an uncaring, unloving God to you? If we seek Him, He will show us which path to take. But here is the hitch. Sometimes that path involves waiting. And like I said in the beginning, I do not like to wait. Sometimes when I am waiting on God, my mind kicks in with all sorts of wrong thoughts.

‘I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough. I’ve made that mistake twice, when will I ever learn?’  Before I know it, I’ve consumed a pint of coffee ice cream and I find myself in a ditch of emotional self-bashing.

This type of self-critical examination is not of God.  First of all, our God doesn’t make mistakes. He created us. He loves us. And just like we warn our children to look both ways before they cross a road, God warns us how to fight against Spiritual Warfare.
Anytime Satan can accomplish getting us off track in our thinking; he’s won. So how do we contend with these thoughts so we can be victorious? I suggest we heed our Creator’s advice.

Ephesians 6:12 "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." (NLT)

(6:14-18a) ‘Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions…’ (NIV)

Spiritual warfare is real. I don’t know what you are struggling with. As women, we all struggle with:  ‘Am I significant? Am I beautiful? Am I loved?  As a single mom, you could have multiple levels of flaming arrows being aimed at you.  If you think you can handle it solo, reframe and think again.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You don’t have to do this alone. God is right there with you. Give Him the steering wheel to your life. Let God steer your paths. He never changes. He never makes mistakes. If He asks you to wait; it’s for a good reason. Most likely He is taking care of some other detail in order to bless you abundantly. He’s probably just waiting for you to give Him the keys so He can drive!

(If you are familiar with the Book of Daniel- check out Daniel 10:12-14. It is possibly the clearest and most detailed example of spiritual warfare in the Bible.)

So before you start your morning, ask yourself: this can be a good day or a bad day, it’s my choice; which will it be?’  I pray that you will choose God to fight your battles. If you do, I promise you that you will have a day overflowing with His love. He can take the ashes of your life and make them into something beautiful – just like you.

Until next time~

Blessings,
Nancy

Who Are You?

Did you know that you were God’s idea? In fact you were worth dying for. Your life has so much purpose, that even if you were the only person on earth, God still would’ve sent His son, Jesus Christ, to earth to suffer and die just for you.

I know, I know, it’s not something we can even fathom. That’s because we think with human brains and God is omnipotent.

God even tells us that we are His idea. In the book of Psalms, David, inspired by the Holy Spirit, says this: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:19)

If you are having one of those days second guessing your worth, stop. Re-frame your thinking. You can overcome. Jesus did. So can you. God made you for a purpose. He has a plan already designed for you. You are wonderfully made…God never makes mistakes. He never changes. He is the same today and tomorrow. 

None of us are perfect. Accept it. Made mistakes? So have I. Repent and ask God to forgive you. Right there in the privacy of your home. Just you and God. He loves you and His desire is to have more time with you. 

The words to this song by Mikeschair called, 'Someone Worth Dying For' ( you-tube) say it perfectly~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ-pz1rc900&feature=related

Until next time~

Blessings,
Nancy

What is your role: Parent or Friend?

My heart’s desire from a very early age was to be a mom. When I began my own family, I would strive to duplicate family traditions that were important to me. My mom taught me how to be the mother I am today.

Growing up, I had my girlfriends and I had a mom that was 100% parent. But once I married and then became a mother, our relationship evolved and we enjoyed a loving ‘friendship’ sharing in the joys of motherhood.

I know of moms that try to be more of a friend (than a parent) to their adolescent children.  I’ve observed this in both traditional and single parent family households. I’ve witnessed more negative family situations and confused parent-child relationships as a result of moms not exercising their role as a parent first.

I’ve had 3 different roles as a parent

1. The traditional role of mom, dad and children

2. Single mom divorced with children

3. Step-mother in a blended family 

First, in my role as mom in a traditional family unit, I never thought much about my role as parent vs. friend. My children were young and they needed a mom to love them, care for them and teach them how to become productive adults. I learned how to do this from my parents.

Secondly, when I was a divorced single mom, my oldest was a pre-teen. I believe here is where the lines of responsibility between your role as parent or as their friend can become blurred.  

Men are born with an innate sense to honor and protect.  Women are born as nurturers.  In my case, I was a single mom of 4 sons. So when their dad left the family unit, my oldest son, who was 12 at the time, became the ‘man of the family.’ 

It wasn’t something that we discussed. We didn’t have a family meeting and vote. He had 3 younger brothers and now a mom that didn’t have a husband, so his innate sense to honor and protect the family, I believe, just became his norm.  I’m sure if you were to ask him, he would say, ‘I just did what came natural to me.’ It was an extension of being the oldest sibling.

However, as we began to establish our new family unit with no father, I quickly realized that my children needed to remain children. It would have been easy to allow my oldest son to take on more family responsibility. He was already a very responsible 12 year old. I was fortunate, though, to have some very honorable male neighbors and family living close by that were called upon to help us when needed.

I can’t say for sure, but if my oldest child had been a 12 year old daughter, perhaps her innate sense to nurture (me) might have existed. Under those circumstances I would’ve needed to protect her from nurturing me in unhealthy ways that exist when a child takes on the role of being parent because the parent is unable to cope with their adult situations.  

Be careful not to cloud their youth with unnecessary household or adult concerns. If you are a single mom and dating please spare your children from this activity. You’re allowed a personal life outside of being their mom. Be discreet.

Lastly, I have been part of a blended family for almost 18 years. If I felt clueless being a single mom than you can imagine how clueless I felt becoming a step-mom!

 I have 3 step-daughters but I don’t like referring to them as step. They fit so naturally into my life from the minute we were introduced, so to me I love them as if they are my daughters.

Because my mother’s role was so clearly defined in my youth, it was very clear in my mind what type of step-mother I needed to be for my daughters and important how my sons perceived my new role.

Here is a very brief overview of what I was thinking and knew was important as I entered into a blended family:

• The girls had a biological mom. I never wanted to undermine that relationship or take her place. That was utmost important to me.
• I was now a third parent to the girls and my boys had to share me; the girls now had 4 brothers and my sons had 3 new sisters; the 9 of us were a new family; I was a parent with much responsibility and again due to being taught at an early age about the importance of parental roles, I was never confused about my job or my title as mom. I enjoy every minute of being mom to all 7.

Like I said earlier, it’s been almost 18 years, so my sons and daughters are now in their twenties and thirties. And just like how my relationship evolved into a loving friendship with my own mom, I am blessed to have similar relationships with my adult children.

If you are a mom, please remember that your job is to raise your children to be healthy, productive adults that desire to glorify God. It is the most important job you will ever have!

Until next time~

Blessings,

Nancy

‘And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good deeds of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. 8 Let your teaching be so correct that it can't be criticized. Then those who want to argue will be ashamed because they won't have anything bad to say about us.’ (Titus 2:7-8) NLT

A Dysfunctional Family

Webster’s definition of ‘dysfunctional’

1. Not operating normally or properly.

2. Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.

From that definition one could conclude that a dysfunctional family is a family that is not operating properly –perhaps experiencing conflict, misbehavior, abuse. It would be fair to say that children may grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal.  

I loved my dad. When I told him that I was getting a divorce, a piece of paper with the words ‘dysfunctional family’ suddenly appeared under a magnet on his refrigerator. I bristled every time I walked into my parent’s kitchen and saw those words.  When I questioned my dad about this, he said that my divorce made us a dysfunctional family.

It hurt to know that he, of all people, was putting a label on us. They say that when you marry, you marry the entire family; well, when you divorce, it can have the same affect. I had kept my very lonely 15 year marriage a secret and so by the time I told family, I never considered the fact that they would have to be given time to heal too. Fact was, my parents were in a whole lot of hurt over my situation.

Now in my need to speed us all through the pain we were feeling, I would take it upon myself to prove my dad and anyone else that not all divorced families are dysfunctional. Not mine.  Not my children.  We were not going to be labeled.

 I found myself obsessed with this new challenge and easily offended in the process.  For example, parent-teacher meetings and the need to have 2 meetings because my ex didn’t want to be in the same room with me; or later after I remarried- sport team rosters that listed the parent’s names and now my last name was different than theirs and to me, my kids seemed to stick out like a sore thumb on those darn lists.

I was becoming dysfunctional in my attempt not to be!  I was not operating on normal speed. I was not making good choices. I needed to reframe and face some difficult truths.

1. We were a divorced family – God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16)

2. By divorcing, we had deviated from (God’s) normal plan for us

3. My trying to prove others wrong should not have been my focus – my pride needed to go

4. I needed to accept, without taking offense, that people, including my family, would now think differently about us

It was a very painful time. Hollywood made it (divorce) look so easy and everyone involved was suppose to be happier afterwards. The reality was far different.

I worried about how my children would survive. If I was in pain then what level of pain were they experiencing?

So here is what I have learned:

Dysfunctional behavior comes with the territory. It’s probably the most emotionally draining time that you and your kids will ever face.  Failing to perform in a ‘normal’ fashion is expected. I’m not referring to unacceptable or harmful behavior. Be in touch with your gut feelings.  If you think something appears very wrong, don’t ignore your feelings.

 If you have more than one child, make alone time with them. I use to have one-on-one ice cream dates with mine. You need to begin making ‘new normals’ within your family unit. My children never complained. Never. I can honestly say that I had the bravest children during some very dark days. I'm proud of each of them for how they handled themselves. They are my heroes. 

Get everyone, including you, into good Christian counseling. I allowed the cost and the embarrassment to slow the process down. Even if you think your kids are acting ‘normal’ remember, your thinking skills are numb for the most part. Seek the advice of a Pastor, Godly women in your church, or a woman whose opinion you trust. Get into a Bible preaching church if you are not in one now. A church where people can love on you and your children. 

Bring everything before God. I was not a Christian during my divorce. When my life became broken, I didn’t have a good source of guidance. I had loving, concerned parents who could only offer me human solutions.  Sadly, God was never considered. Today, that’s hard for me to imagine but it’s true—even the One that created me, The Great Counselor, was not consulted.  Open up your Bible. There are many ‘dysfunctional’ families that you can learn from!

Finally, I was always afraid that as a single mom and then remarried, that I would never be enough of what my kids needed me to be. But God has reminded me again and again that I belong to Him; that my children belong to Him; that life is difficult and sometimes we have to allow the trials to finish in His time in order for God to take the ashes and make something beautiful from them.  

One last thought ~ Families do stumble. Families will fail each other. Families don’t always act accordingly or normal. But as moms, we need to stay strong. We need to always be there for our children; even as they mature and leave the nest. You will always be their mom. Some situations need distance, but with time and forgiveness, even us dysfunctional families can heal and be productive once again.

Until next time~

Blessings,

Nancy

It Isn't Fair!

When I was a teenager and disagreed with my parent's house rules, my automatic response to any rule that hindered my teenage agenda, would be: 'But that's not fair!'  In turn, my mom's automatic reply would be: 'Whoever told you that life was fair?'

Good point mom. Nobody told me that. But for some unknown reason (entitlement?) I expected my life to go my way. Now years later, I recall speaking those same words to my teens when they argued house rules.

Yesterday I did a bit of complaining about how unfair life was for me, but this time it was pointed at God. It took me a long walk and a pot of freshly brewed British tea before I settled the 'life isn't fair' challenge I was having with God.

As I grumbled about how unfair life seemed to be for the moment, I turned in my Bible to the book Jeremiah, who is referred to as the weeping prophet. I needed to read and claim God's promise for me.  'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (Jeremiah 29:11)

I had allowed myself to become hopeless for awhile yesterday. When my eldest child, who is now 30, would have a difficult morning getting ready for school, I would say to him: 'this can be a good day or a bad day; the decision is totally yours.' So yesterday, I had to reframe and take this advice.

Are you having one of those days? Does life seem unfair for you today? Step away from the challenges and reframe your thinking. Ask yourself: How important is this current situation? Is it temporary? Do I trust God to solve this and give me hope and a future?

So we are still left with the question: Is life unfair? Yes, at times, it seems that life can be unfair. How do we get through these moments or seasons of uncertainty? My advice is to go to His Word. Claim His promises. His words of hope and His mercies and grace are sufficient to see you through. I promise.

Until next time~

blessings,
Nancy

'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.' 2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

Welcome

Welcome to Recovering Single Mom.
I have been praying about starting a blog for single moms, so today I started this blog.

It's been almost 18 years since I remarried but I think the experiences of being divorced and a single mom remain part of our DNA forever.

For the last 2 years, I have lead a single mom's Bible study at my church. My life has been blessed knowing and ministering to these single moms. As they heal and become stronger woman of God, a part of me heals too.

In our group of single moms, we have many discussions involving the topic of loneliness. Loneliness plagues many people. You can be a single mom or married and still feel lonely. I tell my single moms that if you are struggling with loneliness then you need to find something in your life that you're passionate about and make it important.

I would love to hear from other single moms (past and present) regarding this subject of loneliness.

Until next time~

blessings,
Nancy

'I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 3:14)