A Dysfunctional Family

Webster’s definition of ‘dysfunctional’

1. Not operating normally or properly.

2. Deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.

From that definition one could conclude that a dysfunctional family is a family that is not operating properly –perhaps experiencing conflict, misbehavior, abuse. It would be fair to say that children may grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal.  

I loved my dad. When I told him that I was getting a divorce, a piece of paper with the words ‘dysfunctional family’ suddenly appeared under a magnet on his refrigerator. I bristled every time I walked into my parent’s kitchen and saw those words.  When I questioned my dad about this, he said that my divorce made us a dysfunctional family.

It hurt to know that he, of all people, was putting a label on us. They say that when you marry, you marry the entire family; well, when you divorce, it can have the same affect. I had kept my very lonely 15 year marriage a secret and so by the time I told family, I never considered the fact that they would have to be given time to heal too. Fact was, my parents were in a whole lot of hurt over my situation.

Now in my need to speed us all through the pain we were feeling, I would take it upon myself to prove my dad and anyone else that not all divorced families are dysfunctional. Not mine.  Not my children.  We were not going to be labeled.

 I found myself obsessed with this new challenge and easily offended in the process.  For example, parent-teacher meetings and the need to have 2 meetings because my ex didn’t want to be in the same room with me; or later after I remarried- sport team rosters that listed the parent’s names and now my last name was different than theirs and to me, my kids seemed to stick out like a sore thumb on those darn lists.

I was becoming dysfunctional in my attempt not to be!  I was not operating on normal speed. I was not making good choices. I needed to reframe and face some difficult truths.

1. We were a divorced family – God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16)

2. By divorcing, we had deviated from (God’s) normal plan for us

3. My trying to prove others wrong should not have been my focus – my pride needed to go

4. I needed to accept, without taking offense, that people, including my family, would now think differently about us

It was a very painful time. Hollywood made it (divorce) look so easy and everyone involved was suppose to be happier afterwards. The reality was far different.

I worried about how my children would survive. If I was in pain then what level of pain were they experiencing?

So here is what I have learned:

Dysfunctional behavior comes with the territory. It’s probably the most emotionally draining time that you and your kids will ever face.  Failing to perform in a ‘normal’ fashion is expected. I’m not referring to unacceptable or harmful behavior. Be in touch with your gut feelings.  If you think something appears very wrong, don’t ignore your feelings.

 If you have more than one child, make alone time with them. I use to have one-on-one ice cream dates with mine. You need to begin making ‘new normals’ within your family unit. My children never complained. Never. I can honestly say that I had the bravest children during some very dark days. I'm proud of each of them for how they handled themselves. They are my heroes. 

Get everyone, including you, into good Christian counseling. I allowed the cost and the embarrassment to slow the process down. Even if you think your kids are acting ‘normal’ remember, your thinking skills are numb for the most part. Seek the advice of a Pastor, Godly women in your church, or a woman whose opinion you trust. Get into a Bible preaching church if you are not in one now. A church where people can love on you and your children. 

Bring everything before God. I was not a Christian during my divorce. When my life became broken, I didn’t have a good source of guidance. I had loving, concerned parents who could only offer me human solutions.  Sadly, God was never considered. Today, that’s hard for me to imagine but it’s true—even the One that created me, The Great Counselor, was not consulted.  Open up your Bible. There are many ‘dysfunctional’ families that you can learn from!

Finally, I was always afraid that as a single mom and then remarried, that I would never be enough of what my kids needed me to be. But God has reminded me again and again that I belong to Him; that my children belong to Him; that life is difficult and sometimes we have to allow the trials to finish in His time in order for God to take the ashes and make something beautiful from them.  

One last thought ~ Families do stumble. Families will fail each other. Families don’t always act accordingly or normal. But as moms, we need to stay strong. We need to always be there for our children; even as they mature and leave the nest. You will always be their mom. Some situations need distance, but with time and forgiveness, even us dysfunctional families can heal and be productive once again.

Until next time~

Blessings,

Nancy