What is your role: Parent or Friend?

My heart’s desire from a very early age was to be a mom. When I began my own family, I would strive to duplicate family traditions that were important to me. My mom taught me how to be the mother I am today.

Growing up, I had my girlfriends and I had a mom that was 100% parent. But once I married and then became a mother, our relationship evolved and we enjoyed a loving ‘friendship’ sharing in the joys of motherhood.

I know of moms that try to be more of a friend (than a parent) to their adolescent children.  I’ve observed this in both traditional and single parent family households. I’ve witnessed more negative family situations and confused parent-child relationships as a result of moms not exercising their role as a parent first.

I’ve had 3 different roles as a parent

1. The traditional role of mom, dad and children

2. Single mom divorced with children

3. Step-mother in a blended family 

First, in my role as mom in a traditional family unit, I never thought much about my role as parent vs. friend. My children were young and they needed a mom to love them, care for them and teach them how to become productive adults. I learned how to do this from my parents.

Secondly, when I was a divorced single mom, my oldest was a pre-teen. I believe here is where the lines of responsibility between your role as parent or as their friend can become blurred.  

Men are born with an innate sense to honor and protect.  Women are born as nurturers.  In my case, I was a single mom of 4 sons. So when their dad left the family unit, my oldest son, who was 12 at the time, became the ‘man of the family.’ 

It wasn’t something that we discussed. We didn’t have a family meeting and vote. He had 3 younger brothers and now a mom that didn’t have a husband, so his innate sense to honor and protect the family, I believe, just became his norm.  I’m sure if you were to ask him, he would say, ‘I just did what came natural to me.’ It was an extension of being the oldest sibling.

However, as we began to establish our new family unit with no father, I quickly realized that my children needed to remain children. It would have been easy to allow my oldest son to take on more family responsibility. He was already a very responsible 12 year old. I was fortunate, though, to have some very honorable male neighbors and family living close by that were called upon to help us when needed.

I can’t say for sure, but if my oldest child had been a 12 year old daughter, perhaps her innate sense to nurture (me) might have existed. Under those circumstances I would’ve needed to protect her from nurturing me in unhealthy ways that exist when a child takes on the role of being parent because the parent is unable to cope with their adult situations.  

Be careful not to cloud their youth with unnecessary household or adult concerns. If you are a single mom and dating please spare your children from this activity. You’re allowed a personal life outside of being their mom. Be discreet.

Lastly, I have been part of a blended family for almost 18 years. If I felt clueless being a single mom than you can imagine how clueless I felt becoming a step-mom!

 I have 3 step-daughters but I don’t like referring to them as step. They fit so naturally into my life from the minute we were introduced, so to me I love them as if they are my daughters.

Because my mother’s role was so clearly defined in my youth, it was very clear in my mind what type of step-mother I needed to be for my daughters and important how my sons perceived my new role.

Here is a very brief overview of what I was thinking and knew was important as I entered into a blended family:

• The girls had a biological mom. I never wanted to undermine that relationship or take her place. That was utmost important to me.
• I was now a third parent to the girls and my boys had to share me; the girls now had 4 brothers and my sons had 3 new sisters; the 9 of us were a new family; I was a parent with much responsibility and again due to being taught at an early age about the importance of parental roles, I was never confused about my job or my title as mom. I enjoy every minute of being mom to all 7.

Like I said earlier, it’s been almost 18 years, so my sons and daughters are now in their twenties and thirties. And just like how my relationship evolved into a loving friendship with my own mom, I am blessed to have similar relationships with my adult children.

If you are a mom, please remember that your job is to raise your children to be healthy, productive adults that desire to glorify God. It is the most important job you will ever have!

Until next time~

Blessings,

Nancy

‘And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good deeds of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. 8 Let your teaching be so correct that it can't be criticized. Then those who want to argue will be ashamed because they won't have anything bad to say about us.’ (Titus 2:7-8) NLT