Beauty Through The Pain

I braced myself as I placed the DVD into the player. I said a quick prayer, ‘Lord, give me the strength not to cry.’ Everyone in the office huddled around my computer as we watched a homemade DVD featuring a little baby named Henry. We watched frame by picture frame as he fought for his life after being born very premature. His family will dedicate him at our church on Palm Sunday. I was previewing the DVD that will be shown during the dedication.

As others enjoyed watching pictures, showing little Henry growing from living in his incubator to a smiley one year old, I was lost in time. As I saw pictures of how tiny he was, I remembered how scared I was when I saw how tiny my boys were. Seeing his bandaged-over eyes reminded me that too much oxygen inside the incubator can cause blindness; something to fear years ago. Tubes everywhere and constant needles fade to the moment parents wait for -they unplug your baby and you finally get to hold this precious gift from God. In one picture, Henry’s mom looked so happy. But, behind those eyes I knew what she was thinking. I’d thought it long ago—is he going to make it? I have to be strong.

My mind drifted back 23 years. How did we get through such pain? I was the mom of two healthy boys, ages 7 and 3; and twin boys born 3 months premature.

It’s been awhile since I’d thought about our 99 day hospital stay.  But this DVD brought it all back like it was yesterday. Do smells ever catch you off guard? Do fragrances or baked items bring you back to another time? That’s what happened to me as I watched. The emotions, the hospital smells, the caring nurses, the long nights of praying, the fear of losing them, being an absent mom to my other 2 boys, the generosity of my parents helping us, the tears, the laughter,  it all came back so quickly. I had a lump in the back of my throat that I couldn’t seem to clear. Unless you’ve been through it, how could you understand?  It’s been 23 years and it felt like yesterday.

Everyone finished watching the DVD and we talked about how adorable little Henry was and how God knew just the perfect family for him. God knew. God knew before it even happened.

I recall so vividly one night, my mom and I were out to dinner and stopped into the ICU to check on our twins. Besides my boys, there were also six other sets of preemie twins. On this particular evening, we arrived just as an infant had lost its’ fight to live - making everyone very uneasy.  I remember thinking how quickly our hope can elude us when faced with the brokenness of reality. God knew that this little one would not make it.  God knew before it even happened.

God knew the fate of my boys and now the fate of little Henry. In fact, 23 years later, my twins have a personal relationship with Jesus and look to Him for all their needs. I am indeed very blessed being their mom.  God carried me through the struggles of those early days. He knew that there would be beauty through the pain. I just had to keep moving in the right direction and keep trusting Him.

God can do amazing things through us.  I cannot imagine life without my sons. I pray that the mother who lost her infant twin 23 years ago has found Jesus and can know the healing power and the beauty of His love through a personal relationship with His Son.

Our church family has prayed for Henry. We’ve watched as his family trusted in God and relied on His strength to get them through this past year. As I look at Henry, this precious gift from God, I am filled with hope for his future. That one day he will trust in Jesus. That he will know his Creator. The One that watched over him every second of every day he struggled to live. And like me, his mom also knows the beauty that comes from pain.

‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.’ (Psalm 139:13)

Until next time~

Blessings, Nancy