Do I Really Have To Share My Kids?

I’m sorry to use such vulgar language but divorce sucks!

In my ministry with single moms, one of the more difficult discussions we have is about co-parenting and surviving the time when the kids are with their dad.

Oh how I hated those weekends. My kids were age 12, 7 and 4 year old twins. At first, my ex took them in stages—2 at a time. It was overwhelming for him to take all four kids so he split up the visitations. But once he became more secure in his ‘dad’ abilities, he would take all four.

I remember the first time that I was actually all by myself on a weekend. I decided to go to a movie. I had it all planned out. I would arrive early to secure a seat on the aisle to make for any easy and quick exit (if needed).

I brought my check book to balance so I’d have that purposeful look while people arrived. So there I sat acting so in control balancing my checkbook.

Everything was going as planned until I heard someone say, ‘Nancy, what are you doing here all by yourself?’ UGH. Dear friends of ‘ours’ --2 couples begging me to uproot from my very secure seat and follow them so poor me would not be sitting alone... so embarrassing.

We made it through the movie and a very awkward invitation to join them for dinner afterwards, of which I declined saying I had so much to do at home.  If I could’ve sprinted to my car…well, you get the picture.

I hurried home, locked the house and cried myself to sleep.

What do we do when our kids are with their dads? How will I ever survive?

I’m 20 years beyond those days and I’m here to encourage you. You will survive. And depending upon how you and your kids react during this new normal lifestyle, you may become stronger and better despite these difficult days.

On the weekends that you are solo, remember how much this new routine is also difficult for your kids. Pray for them. Pray for their dad. He is most likely out of his element and not enjoying it either. But you say, ‘he’s the one that caused the divorce!’  It’s guaranteed that he never thought about post divorce life. If he did, he would have thought otherwise before it happened. There are no winners here people.

On these weekends, make yourself a list of things you’ve always wanted to get done or something you’ve always wanted to learn. Use the time to better yourself.  If you spend time having a pity party then you’ve just wasted good valuable time. Accept the situation and vow to make the best of it. None of this caught God by surprise. He knows our pain.

Some of you will bristle but God is more concerned about character than comfort. ‘Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope’.  (Romans 5:3-4)

‘Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.’ (Hebrews 12:10-11)

God is bearing our pain and suffering right along with us. ‘Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.’ (Psalm 68:19)

I’ve been confused about the reasons for suffering. I thought God’s main purpose was for me to be happy—free from pain. When God fails to deliver ‘happy days’ our world is crushed and we lose trust in Him.  Now I understand that the sustaining power of God is what gives me strength and therefore where I derive my joy. My awareness of Him and my dependence upon Him become greater in my weaknesses.

This will be the most important lesson you’ll learn during these weekends without your kids. It’s humbling to recognize how powerless we are and how much we really do lack trust in His abilities to provide our needs.

Your kids and your ex will be learning the same lessons. You may not see the fruit of this for years.  I hear some moms complain, ‘my ex is a better dad now than when we were married.’ You’re right. I saw that. Can I suggest that you reframe your attitude and praise God for it? Your kids are the beneficiary of this type of improvement. That’s something to get excited about!

And here’s the best news – someday God will use these struggles and hardships for good and they will become your pulpit – and you’ll give God all the glory.

Until next time~

Blessings, Nancy